DANCER

You know when you decide something and then change your mind? Well, I said I wanted to share mostly poetry on Instagram and keep the personal stuff in my stories but I’m realizing during this socially isolated pandemic that I need the connection, the mothers, the ones moving through the sea with me. First of all, teaching first grade math to your own child is a thing. I’ve learned a whole new level of deep breathing with that. Second of all, I’m really proud of how resourceful Julius has become, fishing cardboard out of the recycling bin and making all kinds of contraptions and crafts guided by his own inspiration. That’s definitely a win. In the midst of all kinds of weird situations this year – I think being resourceful and self-guided is a skill we all need right now. 

I have to admit that I never imagined myself with only one child. I’m the eldest of four, and so as the time stretches on and my only son grows bigger and bigger, I’ve been in the throes of seventeen different kinds of anxiety about when or if or how these other imagined children will get here. For several years we tried to bring them forth without help. Then we found out a structural issue was the problem. Then we had that fixed. Now, because time is a ruthless dancer, we turn to additional help. 

It’s taken immense courage to face the thoughts in my mind that tend towards magical thinking, that somehow I’m not ‘meant’ to have more, by fate or by god or by karma, but I’m also a very creative person. I was thinking this morning that just because someone had a business and it failed, it doesn’t mean that you weren’t ‘meant’ to have a business, by fate or by god or by karma. It means that it didn’t work out that time, that something wasn’t quite right, and nothing about your or your character. When it fails, do you lie in a heap on the floor bemoaning the absence of angels in your life? (ABSOLUTELY says my aching heart) Or do you decide what you want and keep going? At some point, if you know that you really want it, you gather additional help, set up a plan, and follow through with it. 

So in January, we will be taking steps to co-create the family we dream of. We are blessed to have the miracle of medical help to bring these other children into our arms. It has taken me a long time to accept this help, to have the strength to go through the process – Julius was conceived almost effortlessly, and born at home in water with an uncomplicated delivery and gestation. But now I feel that I will understand an entire myriad of motherhood experience: yes, the home birth, natural parenting, cloth diapering kind, but also the journey of loss and hope, the endless waiting, the IVF process, and more.

That connection is important to me. That I do not give up on my dreams is important to me. That no one feels lesser-than due to the ways in which we create our lives, our families, our dreams. That no matter how many times you fall, I fall, we fall, that we continue on with our goals, this is what is important to me.

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